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Tr 3
4;141
4 mur-afn
nation secret, and allowed no one to fathom my innermost
thoughts. I was just eighteen then. Soon after, an uncle,
a very learned man and full of divine qualities,---one who
had shown for me the greatest tenderness, and whose favou-
rite I had been from my birth, expired also; his death leaving
me in a state of utter dejection. and with a still profounder
conviction settled in my mind that there was nothing worth
living for or caring for in a worldly life.
Obstacles
Although I had never allowed my parents to perceive
what was the real state of my mind, yet I had been imprudent
enough to confess to friends how repulsive seemed to me even
the idea of a married life. This was reported to my parents,
and they immediately determined that I should be betrothed
at once, and the marriage solemnity performed as soon as I
should be twenty.
Having discovered their intention, I did my utmost to
thwart their plans.
I
caused my friends to intercede on my
behalf, and they pleaded my cause so earnestly with my father
that he promised to postpone my bctrothal till the end of that
year. I then began entreating him to send me to Benares,
where I might complete my knowledge of Sanskrit grammar,
and study astronomy and physics, until I had attained a full
proficiency in these difficult sciences. But this time it was
my mother who violently opposed my wishes. She declared
that I should not go to Benares, as whatever I might feel in-
clined to study, could be learned at home as well as abroad;
that I knew enough as it was, and had to be married anyhow
before the coming year; as young people through an excess
of learning were apt to b:come too liberal and free sometimes
in their ideas.
I
had no better success in that matter with
my father. For, on the contrary, no sooner had I reiterated
the favour I begged of him, and asked that my betrothal
should be postponed until I had returned from Benares a
scholar, proficient in ars and seiences, that my mother decla-